The comedy stylings of my friends

Last night I got my old phone to turn on, and harvested some comical texts, as well as random conversations I wrote down. This ~blog post~ is dedicated to some of those moments, as well as more recent ones. I make no apology for the crude nature of much of this humor.

Mary: I'm hot, are you guys hot?

Kim: Only fat people get hot.

Michelle (on drugs): If you lie on me, I'm like a pillow!

Keanan (while we’re dancing at a club): Where are the gays? (tilting her head back and yelling very loudly) GAAAAAYYS!!

Srilu: Oh my gosh I’ll be Relationship with India boy in future… I’ll find India boy in future in my Relationship from America… Come on you can make new friend in College find India boy...

[I'm on it, Srilz.]

Me: How are ya guys doing?

Mary: I'M ON SHROOMS!

Danisha (laughing):

I have no idea what's going on right now.

Kim: Everyone’s flashing everyone’s lashing who we gonna do tonight

[The above was uttered while visiting Natalie at SLO; Kim is cleverly parodying here, in her intoxicated state, Jeffree Star's beloved tune "Eyelash Curlers & Butcher Knives (What's the Difference?)" in which he sings, "Cameras are flashin'/Everybody's askin'/What I'm gonna do tonight/Who I'm gonna do tonight"]

-I accidentally drop some weed while packing a bowl, which visibly distresses Alec-

Me: Sorry, it was probably just like seven crystals.

Alec: Those seven crystals could have been in my brain!

Srilu: Omg I met Pooja in the hollywood for actor hindi movie... She's look so beautiful!!! Her name is Pooja... She know my name. She will add me

Keanan:

LOLOL Kim getting laid with Andrew Sarah getting laid with 12 year olds Reyna getting laid with Washington

Me: Hahaha please elaborate on all three.

Keanan:

Kim’s probably with Andrew, literally getting laid. Sarah’s probably raping her little high school boyfriend, and Reyna moved to Washington.

Kathleen: Yesterday I was so high at Albertson’s I wanted to eat dog food.

Srilu: I am going to party... Way to go!!!! How I am do that? I don't know...

Me: Hey, what the fuck happened last night???

Keanan: We

drove to your house then you peed/barfed on someone’s lawn, then we went to McDonald’s. Then we went back to your mom’s house and you got out of the car telling us you had to go home and fell and hit your head on the street, then we were freaking out and you said “guys I’m fine” then you stood up and fell backwards onto the cement again. I don’t know how you’re alive. Also, we’re going to the OC fair today.

Me: Chill out, brah.

Rose (drugged up):

Brah… bra. Girls wear bras. But not all of them – not my mom! When I hear them having sex my dad’s all “oh, oh, oh, oh!” but my mom is completely silent like she’s not being pleasured. And my grandparents can’t even do it anymore, I don’t think!

Srilu90 (12:26:53 AM): Why are you agree with me?

Srilu90 (12:27:01 AM): tell me Explain one time

writhing worms (12:27:10 AM): YOU SAID KIM IS PRETTY
writhing worms (12:28:04 AM): I SAID YEAH I AGREE.

writhing worms (12:27:16 AM): THAT'S ALL

Srilu90 (12:27:57 AM): You say yes i agree with me but kim and srilu are pretty right

writhing worms (12:28:13 AM): YEAH YOU'RE BOTH HOT

Srilu90 (12:28:52 AM): Realllyy you think so i'm look reallyy HOtTTT1!!!

writhing worms (12:29:10 AM): UH.. YEAH

Srilu90 (12:30:47 AM):Do you have any girlfriend?

writhing worms (12:31:52 AM): NOPE

Srilu90 (12:32:43 AM): You can ask many girl like kim, srilu, Brianna, maria, ashley, tina, many girl

writhing worms (12:33:40 AM): OH... BUT YOU SEE I'M GAY

Srilu90 (12:34:10 AM): No you are not GAY!!!

Srilu90 (12:34:27 AM): only girlfriend that better suppose not be GAY

[If I ever get too lonely, it's good to know I can always hit up Ashley or Tina.]

[While they're stumbling around, barely struggling to walk]

Kim (whispering loudly): Keanan, check for the hot boys.

Kevin (quoting a sketch guy from a party): "It's just a little bit, but it's roofied."

Jay: Remember when we had sex on your cat hair bed?

[After talking to this guy at a party for like twenty minutes]

Marvin: Navid & Kathleen, it was nice meeting you guys.

Kathleen:

Nice meeting you Gerardo!

Nice meeting you indeed.